


a wolf is always shot

by RatonLaveur



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatonLaveur/pseuds/RatonLaveur
Summary: "It's the law of nature, my dear. And that is above those creatures who dare to call themselves humans with such pride, as if it meant something."
Relationships: Valery Legasov/Boris Shcherbina
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	a wolf is always shot

**Author's Note:**

> happy chernobyl explosion anniversary
> 
> it's been a while. is the fandom still alive? who knows, i'm posting this anyway. enjoy.

_ You'll live, but I'll not; perhaps, _

_ The final turn is that. _

_ Oh, how strongly grabs us _

_ The secret plot of fate. _

_ They differently shot us: _

_ Each creature has its lot, _

_ Each has its order, robust, -- _

_ A wolf is always shot. _

_ In freedom, wolves are grown, _

_ But deal with them is short: _

_ In grass, in ice, in snow, -- _

_ A wolf is always shot. _

_ Don't cry, oh, friend my dear, _

_ If, in the hot or cold, _

_ From tracks of wolves, you'll hear _

_ My desperate recall. _

__

_ ~ Anna Akhmatova _

  
  


Ever since he got back from the actual hell on Earth that he experienced, the streets of Moscow appeared more gray and sad than ever before. As if the colours lost their spark, and as if the whole world somehow stopped. 

It wasn't visible, but the planet was silently recovering from the horror of Chernobyl. But the planet had hundreds, thousands, millions of years to do that - the humans had no chance of recovery during their short timeline.

Valery was sitting behind his desk in the same position he has been in for hours, maybe days. The only way he measured time now was by cigarettes. 

So after about fifty-four finished cigarettes and one half-smoked, he was finally satisfied with his letter that he kept rewriting, tearing into pieces, burning, and rewriting again. Finally he succeeded at his last important task. He only had to re-read it and look for even the smallest mistakes.

_ Dear Boris, _

_ Dear friend, dear lover, dear great man I had the pleasure of meeting. _

_ I am writing this letter to you, but I am not going to send it. It is not like they would let me - but I would not even try, as I do not want to bring any more struggles upon your shoulders. _

_ These times are tough, but they will be over soon. They have to be. As the only thing they cannot control is my mind, and my ability to make decisions. You see, I am going to lay myself to sleep, and I am going to sleep peacefully for the first time after a while. It has been many long nights full of horrible nightmares haunting me, never letting me rest. _

_ I am sure you have these, too. I only hope that you are not as miserable as me, that you have a source of comfort close to you. _

_ And you know I would love to be that source, only if I could. _

_ It is worthless to wallow in self-pity, I know. I try to remain reasonable. But sometimes the isolation brings out the worst in me - sometimes I want to cry, or even scream at the top of my lungs at the unfair world. "Why did you do this to me?" _

_ See, I said me, not "us", not "all these people who are dead for no reason" - I am all by myself, which makes me think in selfish ways. _

_ But you see, Boris - the world isn't fair. It never has been and it never will be. We can only make it slightly more fair during certain periods of time. But there is no equality, no fairness, for such is the human nature. _

_ We are cruel species, but at the same time we are doomed to suffer the most. That is the only fairness we have - the fairness of nature, or the creator, if you wish. _

_ You may object - if there was a creator, although it cannot be scientifically proven that there is something like that, we could not call him fair either. But the way we see "the creator" whom we call God is flawed. We see him as a human-like creature with all of our flaws. We call him merciful, we call him angry. "If there was a God," we ask, "why would he allow such disasters to happen?" _

_ But why would a God care about our tiny issues if he, according to the Bible, created the Universe? And even if he did care, how would he stop us from making horrible decisions? Would he stop the explosion? No. Because why?  _

_ So I believe even God would be seen as fair, as he lets us suffer equally - and lets us pay for our mistakes. _

_ The humanity is doomed, Boris. There is no way to fix us. I do not know if a better tomorrow comes, but I have my doubts. And even if it does - you and I will be long dead by then, so why does it matter? _

_ We are already dead anyway. We all are dead since the day we are born. Because what kind of life is it when our society preaches death and forbids love? _

_ You know that if I sent this letter, you would be given the same status as me - or we would meet an even worse fate. (Worse according to them, as I can hardly imagine death or physical torture would be worse than this.) They would consider us dangerous, because we would be free. _

_ "A wolf is always shot," said Anna Akhmatova. We shoot wolves upon seeing them, although they do not do anything malicious. No, all they do is natural and they have a right to do so. Which right, you ask? It's the law of nature, my dear. And that is above those creatures who dare to call themselves humans with such pride, as if it meant something. _

_ We are the wolves of this society. You and I, and many people who feel and think like us. We all are destined to be shot because of the made-up danger we are. _

_ I will have to end this letter now. It is time to sleep.  _

_ And if God does exist, may we meet in one of the versions of Hell or Paradise. _

_ Yours, _

_ Valery  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> since i sort of came back after a while, could i please get some opinions? share your feelings about my story with me, or about anything, talk to me in the comments, if you wish.
> 
> до свидания!


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